Zimbabwe veteran Brendan Taylor on Thursday said he faced multiple days of trauma as he struggled to come to terms with an "incomprehensible demoralisation of life" after being banned by the ICC for breaching their anti-corruption code.
Taylor, 39, who was banned in January 2022 for failing to report a 2019 spot-fixing approach by an Indian businessman on time, was added to the Zimbabwe squad for the second Test against New Zealand, which started here on Thursday.
Taylor marked his return after a gap of three and half years with a 44-run knock, the highest in Zimbabwe's first-innings total of 125 all out.
"How good is it that three years ago, I couldn't get out of bed and now I am here doing what I love, and that's representing Zimbabwe?" Taylor told the broadcaster, as quoted by ESPNcricinfo.
"Dealing with the sanction, dealing with my own internal chaos - there was not a specific day, there were multiple days of trauma," he added.
"I was in the dark depths in the abyss and trying to just get through this total and incomprehensible demoralisation of life. It was incredibly difficult." Taylor's comeback saw him break a few long-standing records. Having made his Test debut against Sri Lanka in 2004, Taylor has now surpassed England's great fast bowler James Anderson in terms of career longevity among all cricketers who began their careers in the 21st century.
Only Indian cricket icon Sachin Tendulkar, with a Test career spanning 24 years, boasts a longer career.
He spoke of the guilt he felt and the support he received from his family and well-wishers while going through one of his darkest phases.
"There's always that shame and guilt of letting down your family. That's a tough thing to deal with. But the way my family rallied and supported me was overwhelming. It's almost a regret why I didn't lean on them earlier," he said.
"I felt it was something I got myself into and I needed to fix it myself. I thought the dream had gone and I was content with it," Taylor said.
"Then came the joys and promises of recovery, something that is very dear to me.
"Getting my life back on track is the reason why I am able to be here. If I had not made that life-changing decision, none of this would have been possible," he added.
Taylor, who was at the time also handed a one-month suspension for failing a dope test which was linked to his intake of cocaine during the episode, was banned after admitting receiving USD 15,000 in 2019.
"There have been some very important people in my corner, showing me a new way to live and I am eternally grateful for that. There are a few people in Zimbabwe Cricket that I have to thank, especially the chairman and the MD, who have been absolutely pivotal in their support to having me back," Taylor said.
He was in solid form in red-ball cricket before the sanction, with scores of 92, 81 and 49 in his last three Test innings.
Few days before the ICC sanction, Taylor had made a stunning disclosure that he was blackmailed after "foolishly" taking cocaine during his meeting with an Indian businessman.
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