Nowadays, it’s not only people, but also words and phrases that have started to wear masks. It can take some skill to understand what individuals say and what they mean.
Here, then, in the spirit of Ambrose Bierce and Gustave Flaubert, who came up with some memorable satirical definitions in their times, is a new lexicon for a new normal.
As Italo Calvino once wrote in an essay on the virtues of lightness: “Whenever humanity seems condemned to heaviness, I think I should fly like Perseus into a different space… look at the world from a different perspective, with a different logic and with fresh methods of cognition and verification.”
Book. Object to be lifted, dusted, and put back on the shelf. Periodically, photographs can be taken for purposes of social media posts.
Community spread. Only to be mentioned when referring to butter. A “super spreader” is the annoying person who uses up all of it at breakfast.
Epidemiologists. Experts in the spread and containment of disease, nowadays spending all their time on WhatsApp.
Exercise. The beneficial activity of walking to the kitchen for yet another snack. Can be fruitfully indulged in at all hours of day or night.
Fake news. Any piece of information that’s vehemently held to be true, until it’s discovered to be untrue, by which time many people believe it to be true.
Flattening the curve. This takes time to achieve, be it with infected populations or with excess weight that has been put on during the lockdown.
GDP. A domestic product that becomes grosser by the day.
Left. By definition, a member of this group is never right.
Liberal. Whether this refers to the centre or not, or a belief in the free market or not, depends on whether you’re in the US or the UK. In general, as Michael Goldfarb writes, “it means whatever the speaker says it means, although that is often not what the hearer thinks it means.” That’s clear.
Lockdown. A period of enforced inactivity for the general public during which politicians prepare for the next election cycle.
Mainstream media. A blank space in which nothing of interest appears. This explains the common expression: “You’ll never see this in the mainstream media”. When something of note does appear, it is to be strenuously contradicted by uttering the words: “out of context”.
Mask. Originally hailed as a preventive device, this is now a fashion accessory to be worn under the chin. Available in an array of pleasing fabrics, colours, and patterns.
Migrants. A group of people possessed with the magical ability to turn themselves invisible.
New Zealand. Mythical land presided over by a wise and benevolent ruler. Also see: Camelot and Shangri-La.
Orwell. His statements are always to be referred to as prophetic, even his old shopping lists, which contain the words “toilet paper”.
Opposition. A source of blame for chaos, confusion, and disorder. Example: “Karan, why haven’t you done your homework?” “The opposition, Ma’am.”
PPE. Like the Loch Ness monster, there are occasional and unverified sightings of such protective gear.
Press conference. In bygone times, this was a forum in which to explain governmental actions and field questions. Now outdated.
Secular: A dying, if not extinct breed. Example: “Mom, why don’t we see woolly mammoths anymore?” “Because they’re secular, darling.”
Screen time. A metric that can stretch to infinity.
Sensex. A stock exchange index that operates in a manner that the human mind has yet to make sense of.
Social distancing. For the introvert, business as usual; for the extrovert, an opportunity to send out more video-conferencing invites.
Social media posts. When promoted, a way of curbing unemployment. When extemporaneous, a way of promoting oneself.
TV news. Responsible for a shortage of blood pressure medication across the country.
Vaccine. When using this word, custom dictates that you add “on the horizon”.
WFH. Widely believed to stand for “work from home”; in reality an acronym coined by Dorothy Parker to stand for “what fresh hell”.
Zoom meeting. The quickest way of getting out of the t-shirt that you slept in.
Sanjay Sipahimalani is a Mumbai-based writer and reviewer.
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