Though much is made of romantic ideals, they remain rigidly penned in their limited range in the periods they occupy in our life. We moon over them, ache for them, study obsessively what they said to us and even what they said to anyone. Which massively shrinks any fun potential of that relationship or encounter, groaning as it does under the weight of our ardour.
These encounters sap the energy and rarely go on to become serious or permanent. They are just blind alleys, cul-de-sacs we soon turn back from, and shaking our heads in self-mockery we once again tread that road where the back of anyone’s head or the shape of their ear or the way they say a particular word triggers our passion again. It is during these routine and regular romance takeaways with which we fill our heart as if with junk food, that the real opposite-sex friendships of fine dining occur.
Those who enter our stream of consciousness when we are not looking, when we are not aware, and yet light up our days by just being there. We do sometimes suspect them of harbouring mild feelings for us that may not strictly be platonic, but we are too busy soaking in their humour, their advice, enjoying their cooking, their couch, and dismissing their own problems as too much drama, to take them seriously.
They are not The Man or The Woman we talk about to family and friends; they are just people who turn up mysteriously when we are stood up or ghosted. It takes time and effort to fully appreciate these underrated co-stars. Who gift you equality – never running you down. Who gift you wit – everything you say is funny to them. Who gift you their time – no woe of yours is too small to discuss through midnight….
It is a unique feature of boy-girl friendships that they come coded from the start; you are friend material or you are seduction-worthy. The latter is heady, furnishing you with vague powers and imaginary dialogues. The former is boring, your average Joe or average Jenny. But Joe and Jenny stand right by you even as The One doesn’t call, doesn’t text back.
Cinema and literature, too, don’t give them their due; these shadowy men and women operate on the sidelines. They are called the parallel lead at best, or just the secondary cast. There to make the hero and heroine look good. In real life, their clothes don’t register, their jewelry is muted. They just bob around us in comfort circles, saying the right words or doing the right thing.
These wonderful and seemingly stray individuals who really get you and rarely judge you, who are prepared to love you even when you have made it blatantly obvious they are not your type and that nothing is going to happen between the two of you – where do they come from, where do they go?
Here is to all the side-heroes and side-heroines who hold us together.
Shinie Antony is a writer and editor based in Bangalore. Her books include The Girl Who Couldn't Love, Barefoot and Pregnant, Planet Polygamous, and the anthologies Why We Don’t Talk, An Unsuitable Woman, Boo. Winner of the Commonwealth Short Story Asia Prize for her story A Dog’s Death in 2003, she is the co-founder of the Bangalore Literature Festival and director of the Bengaluru Poetry Festival.
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