Healing Space | Good touch, bad touch, ambiguous touch

The nature of child sexual abuse is such that children are affected before they know what sexual contact is, and how to process it appropriately. The incomplete growth of the pre-frontal cortex where decisions are made means that a minor is simply not capable of giving consent. The law takes this into consideration when it penalizes actions that bear sexual intent, unwanted advances, explicit sexual overtures, towards a minor.

In the reading of the POCSO the intent of the child is irrelevant, the intent and action of the offender is what decides whether something is sexually inappropriate or not. Therefore, the onus is on the adults in the room to refrain from inflicting sexualized behaviour on a child. From the mental health point of view, it is also the adult’s responsibility to protect the child from inappropriate viewing, reading literature, exposure to sexualizing adult behaviours that can be considered grooming a child to accept hypersexuality and their hypersexualisation as normal.

When adults behave without such boundaries, the child is taught not to resist, complain against, or be wary of the gaze inflicted on them. Since we live in a hypersexualized society with imagery beaming down at children from films, songs, shows, the wariness of the child also is required to be heightened in order to counter it. Some people tend to think that discussing good touch bad touch with a child may in fact achieve inception or what they refer to as ‘putting ideas in a child’s head’. However, the child is already receiving such information about their gender, sensuality, sexuality
from the social environment. Therefore, it is not an option to leave it unaddressed by adults who know better and who have the capacity to look around corners.

A child must be equipped with the information that they have a choice to set boundaries on whom they interact with, how much or how little, and that they have a right to say ‘no’, or back away when they are feeling uncomfortable. Children who are taught well about good touch bad
touch are capable of controlling the narrative of what happens to them to some extent. It mitigates, but still does not eradicate, the risk of CSA.

This includes an understanding that all touch is not bad, the law after all, looks into intention. Some hugs and affectionate caresses are not at all sexual. They may come from grandparents, helpers, friends, and can convey much needed physical contact that confirms to the child that they are loved.
Affirmative physical contact is a required part of developmental balance. Respectful and loving embraces and touches also teach a child how to establish a balanced and respectful physical relationship in their adult years. Children who are deprived of this and who grow up terrified of physical contact also become uncomfortable with their bodies. Contact in sports, for instance, while rough and tumble, can ease aggression, by offering it a socially acceptable outlet, but also needs to establish boundaries and rules.  Hence, balance is essential developmentally from a social, cultural, and mental health perspective.

Children can be taught to establish a circle of trust. Parents, grandparents, siblings, helpers such as nurses, doctors, teachers, supervisors, or household help, nannies may, for instance, hug them, or help them with dressing or undressing, or looking after their bodies with medical help or showering and bathing. However, it is essential to also explain to them that such help also has boundaries and rules. Even a known person, considered safe socially, should not be allowed to make them feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

An important part of CSA is to make the child aware that they have the skilful means to know and navigate the security of their bodily boundaries.

Techniques to talk to children about CSA boundaries

1. Circle of Trust: Draw concentric circles and in the first put those whom they trust absolutely; in the second, put helpers that sometimes are safe or may need to check them; and in the third, put strangers, acquaintances, and people who don’t have access to their bodies without consent.

2. Consent: Teach children to expect adults to ask for their consent before touching them, including hugs. “May I shake your hand?” “May I have a hug?” are safe ways to engage in physical contact.

3. Contact Sport: Establish boundaries even when playing with physical touch. As with martial arts or wrestling, there are areas you should not hit or touch, and others where lightness of force is okay and even essential. Teach them to call ‘foul’.

4. Uncomfortable scale: Draw the child a scale from 1-10 and teach them to rate the comfort or discomfort level of a touch, 10 being they really don’t like it.

5. Give the child a lot of healthy, positive, affectionate and affirmative physical contact that is safe. The more they know what safe affection feels like, the more they will be able to distinguish it from unsafe affection.