“I was perfectly okay being single,” says Alisha*, 32, sharing her story in a support group for loneliness started by clinical psychologist Dr Nimesh George in Bengaluru. “Recently, when I went on a family holiday, there were two sets of couples and me. Not having someone of my own to share the experience was hard hitting and I felt lonely.” It wasn’t the first time she had experienced loneliness. Alisha lives at her parents’ home and is used to her father travelling quite a bit. “Once, my mother travelled with him and for the first time I was alone in the large empty flat. That’s when loneliness hit me.” On an online forum dedicated to discussing loneliness, Piyali* poured out her heart, expressing her intense struggle to find a sense of belonging in Bengaluru. “It just feels super lonely in this city, seeing how my few friends always just seem to be busy and unable to make time. Weekends are the worst since I have free time and yet I end up spending it with myself.”
Loneliness is rampant in all age groups, according to Dr George, who believes that it is more prevalent in urban areas. “Every person has a unique loneliness,” he explains, adding that no matter the hue of loneliness — losing a partner, being in an unfulfilling relationship or marriage, or not being able to find the right partner — it is painful. He has been addressing the issue in his clients and finds it to be a common problem.
In India, loneliness appears to be a significant issue among older people. According to the Longitudinal Ageing Study in India (2020), about 18.3 per cent of the participants (over 65 years of age) reported feeling lonely. The India Report by International Institute for Population Sciences, Mumbai, found that 20.5 per cent of adults aged 45 years and over in India reported moderate loneliness, while 13.3 per cent reported severe loneliness.
World over, the statistics on loneliness is alarming, especially after COVID-19. At any moment, one out two Americans is experiencing measurable levels of loneliness, according to the US’s surgeon general Vivek H Murthy. He noted that nearly everyone experiences it at some point. But its invisibility is part of what makes it so insidious. Loneliness and isolation that millions are experiencing and the grave consequences for the mental health, physical health and collective well-being need to be acknowledged.
“I too underwent loneliness and my personal variables influenced my decision,” Dr George replies when asked why he decided to begin a support group. He works remotely and has a small circle of friends. “I often don’t have people to go out with and have a cup of coffee,” he says, talking about life in a city where the pace is hectic, leaving no time for social interaction. The support group has been constituted to bring people struggling with disconnectedness in various contexts together for a shared experience of comfort, belongingness, laughter, guidance and above all to break the cycle of sustained loneliness. According to Dr George, people from every walk of life, even those with social contacts or pursuing successful careers can experience sadness from the absence of belonging. This painful experience is felt in a myriad of contexts such as break-ups, disagreeing families, fear of rejection, unreliability, shyness and more.
“Loneliness is an intensely painful state which arises out of a lack of intimacy and connectedness.” In the meet-ups held so far, the attendance is usually of about 5-10 people. “The subject of loneliness is not discussed much.”
Experts have classified three types of loneliness — situational, developmental, and internal. Of the three, situational loneliness that comes about from changes that occur during a person’s life is short-lived. If a person feels that they are not developing at the same rate as others, be it personally or professionally, he or she experiences developmental loneliness. Internal loneliness is deeply rooted in one’s personality and inability to make meaningful connections with others. Long-term feelings of isolation and separation make the loneliness chronic.
Chronic experience of loneliness can cause as much stress as a chronic physical ailment since any unpleasant experience is a stressor. Both physical and emotional pain have the same neural correlates. “The same paths are activated,” Dr George says, which means that when people are socially disconnected, their risks of depression and anxiety increases along with risks of heart disease, dementia (a whopping 50 per cent) and stroke. Dr Vivek Murthy goes to the extent of saying that premature death associated with social disconnection is comparable to smoking daily, and maybe even greater than the risks associated with obesity.
The temperament of a person can affect the extent to which they can become lonely. Neuroticism personality people are high on the scale in their ability to experience emotions, especially negative ones. They feel more pain. Dr George says, “These people tend to get lonely. Studies show that lonely people tend to cut off people and get even more lonely.” The extroversion personality people have more ability to experience positive emotions and may be less susceptible to loneliness.
So, what are the solutions to ease loneliness? Some of the general tips which experts agree upon are:
Creating zones of engagement
“I coined this phrase to explain how we can create opportunities to meet people by visiting zones of engagement like a gym, dance class, café or social events,” Dr George says. Consistent visits, “at least, once a week” will create opportunities to make friends and increase our social interactions with people.
Polishing social skills
Dr George usually asks the inhibited and shy people to, at least, start smiling at others. “I recommend the book ‘How to Talk to Anyone’ by Leil Lowndes to those who find it difficult to interact with others. Rebuilding our connection to one another is an important step to our well-being. One way is to surround yourself with like-minded people who share your interests.
Bringing back the focus on the self
The signs of loneliness are different for men, women, children, and the elderly. The feeling of disconnect, feeling lonely even when you are with people, feeling unwanted, changes in eating and hygiene habits, avoiding emotional and physical intimacy with your partner are some of the few signs. By accepting your loneliness and its accompanying pain, there are greater chances that you will seek help or engage in activities that will give you happiness.
(*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.)
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