Actor Sidhartha Mallya, who appeared in Qaushiq Mukherjee’s Brahman Naman (2016) and Paul Kampf’s Best Fake Friends (2016), has now written a memoir titled If I’m Honest (2021). It focuses on his own journey with depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), alcohol abuse, and a childhood that was deeply affected by the divorce of his parents. In the book, published by Westland, Mallya adopts a narrative voice that is friendly and humorous.
He is perhaps better known to most Indians as the son of United Breweries Group chairman and former Rajya Sabha member Vijay Mallya, so there is likely to be curiosity around whether the author talks about his father in the book. Yes, he does, and in great detail. The emphasis here is on their changing personal equation. His thoughts on the Indian government’s efforts to extradite the liquor baron, who is now in the UK, comprise a tiny part of the book.
Employees of Kingfisher Airlines, and others who have suffered due to his father’s business dealings, may not find comfort in a book that portrays him with a compassionate gaze. However, this book will benefit those who want to learn about depression and OCD from a person with lived experience. Mallya promises to share in “an open, honest and transparent manner” but also warns that people needing help should see a mental health professional.
If I’m Honest builds on a series of Instagram videos called ConSIDer This that Mallya did at the beginning of 2020. These were 10-minute episodes, shot on his iPhone, addressing different mental health issues that he has faced. He writes, “Many people find it hard to seek help even though in the back of their minds they know it’s the right thing to do. This is partly because of the stigma that sadly still remains around mental health.”
It was Mallya's father who brought all the material comforts in the world to his doorstep, but the work of providing emotional support was outsourced to his mother Sameera Tyabjee. He grew up thinking that his father was often away for work but later learnt that the man was cheating on his mother and had another family. His stepmother had two children from a previous marriage, and two children with his own father. This realization changed his life overnight.
He writes, “My parents got divorced when I was around nine and although I didn’t really feel the effects of it at the time, this was the catalyst for many of the issues I’ve dealt with throughout my life.” He opens up about feelings of loneliness and abandonment, in addition to the short-lived excitement that arose from discovering that he was not an only child any longer because he had siblings thanks to his father’s second family in the United States.
Though Mallya was born in Los Angeles, his formal education took place in the United Kingdom since that is where his parents raised him. After his parents' divorce, he was suddenly faced with a challenging situation where he had to divide his time between his father and his mother. While the other four children stayed together, he had to keep coming back to his mother. This made him resentful. At that time, he couldn’t understand her pain.
Mallya shares how he came up with imaginary friends to entertain himself and to feel safe, and how life at boarding school taught him to suppress his emotions rather than to explore and understand them. Since he had not been diagnosed with OCD, neither he nor his parents knew how to help him. His peers could not support him either. They thought he was weird. It is worth noting that Mallya speaks warmly about them. He seems to hold no grudges.
After completing his undergraduate degree at Queen Mary University of London, when Mallya began to work for Diageo in the UK, he found it hard to sit behind a desk for eight hours a day. He waited desperately for weekends to get drunk. This affected his productivity. A year later, he moved to India to join his father’s business but without adequate preparation. Though he had visited earlier, moving to the country was a different ballgame.
He writes, “I was definitely not at peace in India. And because I didn’t really enjoy myself, I drank way too much and partied way too much as an escape.” He was also going through depression at that time but, due to the lack of a clinical diagnosis, he did not know of it. Looking back, he mentions how he deserved none of the attention he got; he became a celebrity because he was his father’s son, and not because of his own achievements.
Moving back to the UK, and studying at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama, was extremely helpful for him. He writes, “Going to drama school got me in tune with my own body and my emotions and got me to really see the issues I was going through.” He learnt Qigong, and started seeing a counsellor at the drama school. Later, he worked closely with a psychiatrist and a therapist, and also started to practise transcendental meditation.
This book will appeal to readers who have been told that their mental health issues are merely a figment of their imagination, and that they simply need to be grateful or positive. Born into affluence, Mallya harboured a lot of guilt around his mental health issues and forced himself to snap out of it until he realized that beating oneself up does not help anyone. Identifying what is troubling you, and getting support for it, certainly helps.
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