Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.
We mostly lead lives of excess. Not in terms of salary and income, of course, that is never enough, but in terms of wants, desires, needs. We each have goals we need to fulfil, milestones we have told ourselves will define the value and quality of our lives. So if we don't own our own homes, we believe we are somehow failing to maintain a quality of life. We believe if we don't work for a specific kind of company, we are not there yet. Others define it in
other ways: how many foreign vacations a year can you afford, do your kids go to an international school or an ivy league college, and how many times do you upgrade your cars and phones? As a result, you're never really off the treadmill. To fulfil these, you have to keep increasing the workload and commitments. We believe that if we do more now, a day will come when we will be able to do less. But when will that day come? Are you able to see it in the distance, over the horizon, are you almost there yet? Do you have an end date at which you will fold your laptop and say 'I'm good, I'm done?'
You're unlikely to have that because nothing is ever enough. Even after you close the laptop and have crores in the bank, you will still have the fear of markets tanking, of property being devalued or encroached upon, or health expenses that may eat through savings unexpectedly, apart from inflation and add-ons like ever increasing college fees and land prices.
The more closely you consider it, you realise there is no point at which you can confidently say I have covered all contingencies. The reason this is an exercise in futility is because you are attempting to control the external world in which contingencies are infinite. Freak accidents and unexpected turns of fate happen every day. The wider your plane of preparation, the more you will run yourself into the ground keeping pace.
One thing that Warren Buffet does that is worth take note of, is keeping his expenses limited. He lives in the same house he always has, doesn't upgrade his car, and leads by all accounts a middle-class life.
The answer to having more isn't making more, it's wanting less. When you want and need less, you immediately free up multiple sources of capital with which you can invest and reinvest. So sure, you don't get the better sofa, swankier bungalow in a poster neighbourhood, or throw the greatest party on the block, but you will have investments wisely growing.
That seems easy to say. Peer pressure isn't something that affects only teenagers. Why should you take commuter buses and trains when you're so senior and can be chauffeur driven in the latest model luxury sedan? Why did Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis declare their children wouldn't be inheriting their wealth? The answers to both are quite the same thing. Because dialing back these milestones, putting in the work, and making do is not so much about bank balance and status as about satisfaction.
A simpler life is a more satisfying life. When you're no longer working to please others, impress others, look as though you have all the right things, and are yet paying your bills, living within your means and putting a solid chunk away, you're working for how you feel every day. And how you begin to feel is capable, having potential, productive and being wise. You feel energized and motivated because the proportionate rise in mental well-being becomes evident. Like a stop loss, you've set a stop loss for your life. And now you've set an end to the bleed on energy. You have an answer to how much do I need and how long do I need to keep doing this? You're not taking on extra work, you're coming home at a fixed time, you're not chasing the endless promotion and you're finding meaning in your work and being productive, and creative at a manageable pace.
Even within the jobs you do and the roles in your family, society life that you hold, is it possible to do less? Look around you and ask: what is it you actually need, and do you have it already? If the answer is no, are you going to stop running after you get it? What is that 'it'? If the answer is yes, then why are you still running?
How to stop loss your life
- Fix what you actually need to feel secure. Not a 10-bedroom house in certain colony or hosting your daughter's wedding at Mehrangarh, but realistically, what is a base line you'll be happy with? Write it down.
- Look around you. Are your basic needs being met comfortably? If not what is eating into it? Can you reduce or remove it? Sometimes this can even be something that looks necessary like a home loan EMI. If you sold and moved to a farther place or a smaller place, would you have made a profit and be living comfortably?
- What are the strains you are choosing? It's important to understand why you're putting this strain on yourself. Do you really think your child is going to be a ballet dancer? Do you really think they're talented enough to join Manchester United? Would your kids be happier playing with their friends? Why are you inflicting that expense of resources and time and energy on them and yourself? Remove what's not worth the effort. Know why you're investing in something.
- Downgrade everything that can be downgraded. From the cars and phones to the air-conditioners and TV. If it's a loss to sell and invest the money, then just end the ceaseless upgrading. When your kids leave home in 5 years, are you really going to need the 5-bedroom house? Wouldn't it be easier to clean and maintain a 2-bedroom one?
- Simplify the end goal. Debt-free by 40 is a far better goal than own everything I can list by 40. Enhancing the pension purse is a better goal than owning a bigger house. And ticking off some bucket list goals, like taking a memorable tour with the family when you can comfortably afford it rather than pressure yourself with personal loans and EMIs to do stressful trips every year.
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