Healing Space | Deal or no deal? What backing out means

Note to readers: Healing Space is a weekly series that helps you dive into your mental health and take charge of your wellbeing through practical DIY self-care methods.

You don’t have to be Elon Musk to change your mind about a commitment, though it would help not to have $44 billion on the line. Still, our lesser commitments can feel as big to us personally. You’ve promised to join a company and verbally accepted the offer but a better one comes along. You’ve joined a gym, bought all the new gear you need, but now realise it’s not motivating you. Worse, you have been dating for a few years now but the relationship is not working out for you. Does making a commitment mean you have to stick with something whether or not you enjoy the process any longer? How do we distinguish between when we are just not sincere enough and when we genuinely need an exit?

First, all commitment is not a blanket virtue. Commitment has to provide some benefit to both parties involved or it is a meaningless contract. There was an era when people remained in abusive marriages or work situations because they perceived themselves to be honouring a contract. However, it’s important to analyse what changed and where. Recognize that the contract has already been breached when either party has been unclear about the receivables. For instance, you entered into a marriage or a relationship under the impression it would be caring and nurturing but it turns out to be abusive and toxic. Those terms have already violated the principle of the original contract you entered into. Deceit, manipulation, gaslighting or withholding of vital information, as Musk alleges Twitter has done, become grounds to nullify the word given.

Facts of the issue apart, we tend to perceive contracts as a matter of honour. We make pledges in good faith and there is considerable trust involved. If you have promised to take your daughter shopping this weekend, there is a faith involved that you will prioritise the commitment over others that may arise. Breaking this trust makes you less reliable, less worthy of trust. A lot of how we function uses this good faith. However, what is the point at which you begin to violate the trust even while you honour the contract? Let’s say you committed to join a company but got a better offer. You’ve given your word so you accept the original offer except now your heart is not in the role because you realise you could have gotten a 25 percent salary jump and perks with the other company. Your motivation dips and you’re underperforming to the expectations of the role. The contract is dishonoured even though you are technically keeping it.