My Family and Other Globalizers | Perks of being a parent

The moment the soft, freshly-bathed cheek of my toddler met mine as our bodies folded into each other, was better than chocolate chip ice-cream. It was better than a job promotion. It was better than beholding a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. The only thing that rivalled it was 8 hours of (unmedicated) sleep. As social psychologist and author Daniel Gilbert put it in his book, Stumbling on Happiness, “Children may not make us happy very often, but when they do, that happiness is both transcendent and amnesic.”

There is a Japanese word, soine, which translates somewhat prosaically in English as co-sleeping with your child. But folded away within the term are the feelings of contentment and security that come from this intimacy. Far be it for me to suggest that sleeping with your children is always pleasurable. Most of the time it is just uncomfortable and annoying. But those fleeting moments when their body pressure on yours sets off the right endorphins are sensorially exquisite.

Perspective

There is nothing like having children to help you stop sweating the small stuff: the rude salesperson, or the missed deadline, or the car that splashed you with rainwater as it sped by. None of these really matter in the larger scheme of things. And kids are a huge aid to keeping the wider context - within which life’s petty dramas play out - in mind. The fact that your kids are safe and flourishing, is something to hold on to and take comfort from, even when other sh@t hits the fan.

So, for example, you lost your Wordle streak, but at least your child is safe.

Jokes aside, the perspective children give you is similar to that of a medical problem. “At least you have your health” is a trope that only starts making real sense as you age, but it is one of the great truths of life.

If you have your health, and your kids are doing well, anything else is usually not as bad as it may seem in the moment.

Wisdom

The words “out of the mouths of babes” are often grating and repetitive. My children might well hold the world record for the maximum number of times a human being can say “Mama, mama, mama” in a single breath. However, there are also many times when our littles are wise, perceptive, and more clear-eyed than adults.

I remember a five-year-old Ishaan telling me, “You know the difference between mommies and daddies? Daddies only do somethings, but mommies do everything.”

Then there was Nico, who when he was learning to talk, would shine with uncontrolled joy, pointing at things and naming them. “Flower!” he’d say, showing me a rose in the garden with a smile that was bigger than his face. When he said, “sun!” or “rainbow!” or “cat!”, it helped make the wondrousness of the world visible to me again. To stop taking it for granted.

Words and their significance haven’t yet hardened for children, so that their language often has a poetic malleability. Some of my boys’ sentences used to be almost haiku-like.

“You look like the rain, Mama, all black and golden,” a three-year-old Ishaan once told me, as I emerged from the bathroom decked up for a night out.”

Something to talk about with my spouse

It would be remiss not to mention one of the greatest uses of kids: giving parents common ground when life would otherwise pull them in different directions. There are only so many times you can hear your spouse’s views on politics, or Chinese food, or on how luxury brands are a rip off. It is a rare couple that cannot finish off each other’s sentences, and while this is often sold as romantic, in fact it is rather boring to know what the person you spend all your time with is thinking before they do.

Children add freshness to a marriage. They give parents something to discuss, wonder about, and laugh over.

So, that’s my list. How about you, dear reader? What made having children “worth it” for you?