How to invest on Women’s Day in times of war

RM: It is a male entrepreneur who helps to empower women by powering their purchasing power into his bank account.  But don’t worry, his cheque book is of pink colour.

Client: So he identifies as an opportunist. But those are not the kind of investment opportunities I am looking for. I want to genuinely make a difference.

RM: Ma’am, Putin is also genuinely trying to make a difference in Ukraine. In effect, he is merely enforcing his own ideas of diversity and inclusion of Russia into Ukraine.

Client: Why don’t we support female entrepreneurs in Ukraine who are struggling to keep their businesses going in the face of war?

RM: War is very good for business, ma’am. There might be a temporary loss in the customer base due to permanent loss of some customers. But once revenge spending kicks in, the Ukrainian economy will revive. NATO countries are already looking at increasing the revenge spending on their defence budget. Too bad they can’t revive the lost customer base…. (thinks sadly of all the lost trailing commissions).

Client: I am beginning to understand there are more bad actors in the financial services industry than in the United Nations. But what about crypto? Surely there are some female-centric cryptocurrencies I could invest in?

RM: Of course. As a part of our CSR - Comedy Social Responsibility - initiative, we have launched Pink coin. It turns pinker every time a company uses fancy buzzwords in its social marketing campaigns. The coin has done so well in the last couple of years, that it is practically magenta now. Since most men couldn’t find magenta on a shade card, it is automatically restricted to female investors only.

Client: It sounds more like a currency for divisibility and exclusion. If I wanted more of that, I would just keep fighting with my husband over the remote control.

RM: But, ma’am, the fight over the remote control is a universal phenomenon being fought between NATO, China, Russia, Ukraine, EU and self-certified PhDs in geopolitics on Twitter. Since you have universal aspirations, may I advise you invest in our global women opportunities fund?

Client: I am almost afraid to ask if it has anything to do with opportunities for women or is it more like ESG funds that invest in NFTs of Greta Thunberg.

RM: HOW DARE YOU! My apologies. I wasn’t shouting at you. Actually I invested in this NFT of her saying “HOW DARE YOU”? in a meme. You can also invest in my NFT by the direct route so you don’t suffer any entry load. But be warned if you try to exit this investment, Greta Thunberg will personally appear before you screaming “HOW DARE YOU”.

Client: I am beginning to think you should change that statutory warning to, Women’s Day investments are subject to virtue signalling risk. Please study the money trail carefully before shouting ‘You go girl!”

RM: Ma’am, it is obvious to me you haven’t appreciated the true spirit of Women’s Day. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of the former CEO of the National Spiritual Exchange of India. She not only appreciated the spirit, she even took investment advice from it. For further inspiration, we also have one of the most high-profile female executives in the financial services industry who started her own crowdsourcing fund  called “Chanda Khokar”.

Client: I think rather than following the money trail of your trailing commissions, I am going to do my own independent research. I'd rather invest in asset classes that align with my individual investment goals than be swayed by whatever is the trending theme.

Greta Thunberg: HOW DARE YOU!!!!!