April 1, New York: In a stunning development, leaders of the world’s richest economies today agreed to fund a programme that will ensure food, shelter, health and education for every person in the world within a year. Sources say that trillions of dollars, much of which was obtained by the plunder of colonies, will be returned to the developing world under the programme. Funds will also be made available to combat climate change, especially to the island nations facing extinction.
Sources say some reporters at the press conference called to announce the resolution had to be carried out on stretchers.
April 1, Tel Aviv: Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu resigned today, taking responsibility for his inability to stop the Hamas attack on October 7, 2023 and the subsequent carnage in Gaza. “I humbly agree to abide by the UN Security Council resolution on a cease fire’’, he added. Unconfirmed reports say that several of Netanyahu’s cabinet members had heart attacks.
April 1, New Delhi: A politician who had recently switched political parties pooh-poohed all talk of a change of heart. ‘’All that talk is rubbish”, he said, calling on people to support him because he was spending millions on his election and promising to shower them with freebies. ‘’Nobody gives a damn about ideals’’, he said, pointing out that, ‘’My only focus is to get elected,’’ to wild cheers from his supporters.
April 1, New York: World leaders today decided to cancel trillions of dollars of debt owed by the least developed countries. ‘’We emit a lot of hot air about the problems these countries face,’’ said Joe Biden, adding, ‘’but today, we have finally decided to walk the talk.’’
One leader of a least-developed nation welcomed the decision with a wide grin, saying, "My calculations say my net worth will increase substantially as a result of the decision.’’
April 1, Moscow: In a landmark agreement, the Russian government and NATO leaders signed a non-aggression pact, with a Russian pull-out from Ukraine planned by next month.
“Now that I have won with 87 percent of the vote’’, sniggered Putin, "I am angling for a Nobel Peace Prize.’’
Oligarchs in Moscow and Kiev celebrated with caviar and champagne.
April 1, Pyongyang: North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un today appealed to his people to forgive him and his family. With tears streaming down his face, he said, ‘’I have realised the pain I have caused to all of you by my brutal dictatorship. To make amends, I am calling a free and fair election in North Korea, under UN auspices, which will choose a new government. I will now enter a monastery in South Korea to atone for my sins.’’
Sources say, however, that the monastery has refused to accept him.
April 1, Tehran: US president Joe Biden was very candid in his remarks at a press conference today. “With a view to pressure Israel to agree to a cease fire, we have decided to stop all arms shipments to Israel,’’ he announced, to resounding cheers from US legislators.
Shortly thereafter, Israel, Palestine and other Middle Eastern nations signed a pact for peace and brotherhood in the region. US defence stocks crashed.
April 1, New Delhi: A well-known politician today shocked his colleagues by announcing that he would not take a rupee in corporate donations. ‘’Politicians must, like Caesar’s wife, be above all suspicion,’’ he added.
A woman reporter wanted to know why Caesar’s wife, rather than Caesar, should be above suspicion.
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