Even the happiest of couples face conflict, and according to Mark Travers, PhD, a leading psychologist specialising in relationships, what they fight about reveals significant underlying issues. Drawing from a YouGov poll of 1,000 American adults and his extensive research, Dr Travers has identified the most common reasons partners clash, offering insights into their psychology and suggesting practical ways to move forward.
The top three reasons for couple conflicts are:
1. Tone of voice or attitude
A sour tone, sarcastic comment, or eye-roll is the most frequent cause of disputes. While seemingly minor, to the receiving partner, it signals contempt – a highly reliable predictor of divorce in marital research. Unlike overt criticism, contempt often disguises itself through non-verbal cues. Dr Travers advises naming the effect ("That felt condescending. Can we try again?") rather than retaliating. If you're the one exhibiting such a tone, check for underlying feelings like being unheard or overwhelmed, which can fuel the contempt.
2. Family relations
Arguments about family often expose fundamental misalignments or unmet needs within the relationship. One partner might feel unsupported, especially if their spouse appears to prioritise their own family's side. In disputes involving children, it typically boils down to value clashes. Both partners are usually seeking solidarity and reassurance that their spouse is on their side. The solution, according to Dr Travers, is mutual reassurance ("You’re still my partner. How can we find a solution that meets both our needs?") and establishing clear boundaries as a united front.
3. Household chores
Contrary to popular belief, fights over chores aren't about the tasks themselves, but the unequal distribution of "invisible load." Research indicates one partner often shoulders the bulk of domestic work, including managing appointments and mental well-being, which goes largely unacknowledged. This lack of recognition sparks conflict. Dr Travers suggests acknowledging this burden ("I didn’t realise how much you were holding, thank you") as a first step. Subsequently, working together to redistribute tasks fairly, though not necessarily 50/50 every day, fosters a sustainable sense of shared responsibility.
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