Funnycontrol (FC): Elon, I understand you will henceforth be charging people $20 for keeping their verified status?
Elon: That’s right. And for another $200, they can even get a Starlink satellite to broadcast their blue tick in the sky like the Bat signal…without the bat. That will cost extra.
FC: But Elon, people are saying by charging for the blue tick you are defeating the whole purpose of verifying people. That’s like making new joinees pay for their own background check.
Elon: Look only 0.15% of Twitter users worldwide have the blue tick. And half of them are Kanye West.
FC: I see what ye did there. But that is a good point to bring up. Since he was accused of controversial remarks online, at least because of the blue tick, we know it was Ye himself and not someone else pretending to be him. How would you like it if anyone could claim to be Elon Musk and say they bought Twitter for $44 instead of $44 billion?
Elon: Look, there are more Elon Musk parody accounts out there than complaints from Tesla customers. And we are also offering them Twitter Blue at that price. Where you can scream obscenities at people online till you are blue in the face.
Stephen King: Fool! I am the king of horror and you have the audacity to ask me to pay $20 for my blue tick! You should be paying me. Reverse this decision immediately! Or else I will make you the monster of my next interstellar horror novel “Space Hex on Mars”.
Elon: OK, OK, calm down. I know you can literally bring your characters to life, unless they are dead inside. How about I make it $8 instead of $20 and you make me the hero who saves the day by buying Mars from the Zombies?
Stephen King: How about I write “Attack of the Killer Teslas: A driverless tale of terror”?
Ted Mosby: And kids that’s how I met your mother. When I stole a blue tick for her.
Indian parents: Shri Elonji, my wife’s second uncle in Bhatinda knows your dad’s third cousin in South Africa. Can you get our infant son his blue tick before Sharmaji ka beta? Good you got rid of that Pan Parag boy... (whispers) I heard he used to steal samosas from his neighbour’s lunchbox in school.
Graduate from IIM Mememdabad: Can I get a separate notification that also says “blue blood” below my blue tick?
Elon: I think you guys are a little confused. The paid blue tick is just to verify your identity. If you’re a public figure, there will be a separate notification below the blue tick indicating that.
So mine will say “President of Mars and Minister of Dogecoin memes”.
Donald Trump: So beneath my verified name can it say “Ex-US President, grab 'em by the Biden”?
Elon: Look, I think you’ve all got the wrong idea. The blue tick was always meant to simply verify the identity of a public figure to prevent fake news and lend credibility to journalists. It was never meant to be a status symbol or certify you’re some hotshot. The only way to do that is to be Elon Musk and pay $44 billion for the thrill of firing Pan Parag. All I’m asking is that you pay for the privilege of watching me throw my weight around.
Donald Trump: Or you can get that for free by re-electing me in 2024. Let that sink in.
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