1
Side, please. Which side? Right or left? Up? Down? No, none of that. Read: Excuse me. Let me go.
2Have you reduced? Yes, I have reduced costs. The house was reduced to a rubble. You mean my body weight? I have lost weight.
3This is nice, no? Yes, it is nice. No, there's no denying it.
4Give me a missed call: A fabulous by-product of mobile-first India.
5Take a class: No, this is not the school principal’s order. It is when you pull someone up for his misdoing.
6Any issues? Yes, the heat is unbearable. Climate change is disastrous. Politicians are inefficient. But it is not about these issues. Any issues? is an euphemism for ‘do you have children’?
7Timepass: Read: Killing time.
8Would you like a cold drink? Not a soda, not an aerated drink. We drink only cold drinks. Even at room temperature, it is a cold drink.
9Nice goggles/glares: It’s sunglasses in other parts of the English-speaking world.
10Loose character: It is not XXL size character of a XS human. Read: Characterless.
11We’re like that only: Read: That’s our culture. That is how we roll.
12I have a doubt: In India, no one harbours a doubt. Everyone has one.
13God promise: Read: I swear to God.
14Order for: You do not order a pizza. In India, you order for a pizza.
15Years back: Not ago, but years back. That’s what happens when you mothball the dictionary.
16Shut the fan/light: You mean switch off, right?
17First-Class! Anyone pretty is First-Class. Good food is First-Class. Good job is First-Class. When you are happy, you are First-Class. No Economy in compliments. Everything is First Class.
18Out of station: Out of station = out of town. It does not mean, I am out of the railway station.
19Sleep is coming: Sometimes literal translations that convey what you mean are as precious as sleep itself.
20Enthu cutlet: This is not a scrumptious cutlet. This is an enthusiastic person.
21What’s the programme/scene? We don’t like asking about plans. We need a full programme.
22I got my chums: So, you got friends? You chummed up with Pinky? No, she is menstruating. She got her period.
23This is more better: Grammar Nazis, listen to this one.
24Prepone: Only Indians prepone things. No one else does. What do you do when you do not want to postpone a meeting but reschedule it ahead of its intended time? Simple. You prepone it!
25Any good news? Yes, fuel prices are going down. The weather is lovely. And the rupee has gained against the dollar. But they are not interested in such good news. Tell them, whether you are pregnant or not?
26Where’s your native? This is asking where you really come from. What’s your hometown?
27Don’t eat my head: Can I eat your hand then? Or leg? I will not eat your head if you tell me I should not be so annoying.
28Cheater cheater: This is the fraudster who’s one level above the common cheat. Like a super cheater.
29Hello, I’m Pinky this side: This is not Adele saying Hello from the other side, it is Pinky answering the phone.
30Going to take head bath: It’s not a shower, it’s not a bath, it’s not washing your hair.
31Are you cent percent sure she’ll complete the task? When you want to leave no room for doubt.
32She just cut the call: Read: She hung up. She did not use a pair of scissors to cut the call.
33I will try my level best: How? Will you measure whether your effort is on a horizontal plane or in line with respect to the distance above or below a given point. How?
34Biodata: It is résumé. Not biodata.
35Auntie: Auntie is not even a word in the dictionary. It is aunt. But, in India, anyone slightly older is ‘auntie’.
36Cheatercock: The Oxford Dictionary describes a cheater as someone who acts dishonestly in order to gain advantage. Where did the cock (oops!) come from?
37Mention not: Every time someone thanks an Indian, they quickly turn around and say 'mention not’. Why? Why cannot they mention?
38Rubber: 'Rubber' is slang for ‘condom’ but in India it's a synonym for the 'eraser'. Imagine saying this in the US: I misspelt a word. May I use your rubber?
39Revert back: Because that's what everyone writes in e-mails. Well, according to The Free Dictionary, 'revert' means 'to reply to someone’.
40Good name: Asking strangers their name. What’s your good name? Did you assume he had a bad name as well?
41Cousin sister and cousin brother: Forget how the Oxford Dictionary describes a ‘cousin’: a child of one's uncle or aunt. The word 'cousin' does not need to be followed with words like 'sister' or ‘brother’ but we need to be so gender specific.
42Mother Promise: Read: I swear on my mother.
43Monkey cap: In winters, monkey caps galore. These are not primate-replicate woollen caps. It is a descriptive Indian-English name for the good old balaclava.
44Picture: It is not a movie or a film. We go to the cinema to watch a ‘picture'.
45Where’s the nearest departmental store? Read: Department store.
46I belong to Delhi: You are not from Delhi you ‘belong’ to Delhi. This is pure allegiance to a city.
47I am convent-educated: Read: I studied in a school where the medium of instruction was English.
48My neighbour is foreign-returned: ‘Foreign-returned’ is the person who is returning to India after living in another country.
49I passed out of college: Don’t run for a cold towel or attempt CPR. Passing out of college is the Indian-English equivalent of 'I graduated’.
50I am doing my graduation: Read: I am studying for my under-grad degree.
51Kindly do the needful: When you are too polite to say, ‘Get this done, ok?’, ask them to do the needful.
52You have to sit on her head to get the approval! If you are to fat, do not sit on anyone’ head. It could be fatal. Just pester/coax them to get the approval fast.
53Entrance is from the backside: Ummm... Is there a rear entrance instead?
54In the family way: Read: She is pregnant.
55I would like to introduce you to my 'would be’: Perhaps fiancé and fiancée are tongue-twisters, hence just say an easy ‘would-be’. A would-be who could one day become the wife/husband.
56Do one thing: An unsolicited advice prelude.
57Next door neighbour: Be specific. The person living two doors away is not your next-door neighbour. The next-door neighbour has to live next door.
58Non-veg joke: Not a joke about kebabs and steaks, but sexy and sexual jokes. A perv special.
59My co-brother: This is not bro-romance. Neither is he your brother-in-law. The co-brother is your wife’s sister’s spouse, got it?
60I am going for his marriage: A marriage is the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law; a wedding is the marriage ceremony. Not interchangeable. But who cares!
61This is my Mrs/Mr: Not husband/wife, but Mr & Mrs
62‘My dear’ so and so: A ‘my dear’ is not the beginning of a letter. A ‘my dear’ is nice, kind, helpful and trustworthy person.
63Are you mad or what: No, I am certainly not ‘what’. ‘Mad’ is debatable.
64What Man? Read: What the heck!
65Mugging up: If you are mugging in India, you are not a looter holding a knife to someone’s throat. You are a nerd learning your lesson by rote.
66Slowly slowly: Nothing happens gradually. Slowly slowly, he became rich. Slowly slowly, he went to Delhi. Slowly slowly, he told his story.
67I’ll go and come: Read: I’ll be back quickly.
68Myself Mr Khurana. Yourself? An introduction/hello and a grammar disaster.
69Rowdy sheeter: Vernacular press uses this term to describe someone who has a long - and gory - criminal record.
70Kindly adjust: This is the shorthand for “listen, dude, I am sorry for all the inconvenience I am causing but there is nothing that I can do. So, bear with me.”
71Rest is fine: Just a taut note that “All is bright & beautiful. I do not have time to give you all the details”.
72Taking Lunch: Where are you taking your lunch? To a movie? To a walk in the park? To a mall? Or, are you having lunch?
73Where have you put up? Read: Where are you staying?
74Coming to my house for dinner tonight? Yes. Because when else can I have dinner. During the day?
75Before me, there are three brothers, then is me, then two more sisters are coming: Read: I have two elder brothers and two younger sisters.
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