Dear SirMadam,
Let me congratulate you on taking over this regulatory body just when the bodies are starting to pile up at the National Spiritual Exchange of India. I understand you have seized some laptops from this hallowed institution to conduct further investigation. May I suggest you hire the building watchmen who keep asking for serial number of laptop to assist you in this endeavour. I wish to apply to your regulatory highness for a license to open a new spiritual exchange. Because I think I can offer them much better options for their futures.
This new exchange will of course be based on Web3 and blockchain. And decentralized architecture. Which means you can exchange your soul for bitcoin. Unless you sell mutual funds in which case you have no soul. Because eventually life will opt for the Direct plans.
We also have a commodity exchange where people can execute trades based on popular Bollywood dialogues like “khoon ka badla khoon”, “Doodh mangoge, kheer denge”, or “joteein do, paise lo”. However, at present they are restricted to trade-for-trade segment so one has to take full delivery. If a broker refuses to cough up full margin for delivery, we execute our own commodity exchange called “Tu haan kar, ya na kaar, tu hai meri kiran” and we seize all the tubelights from the broker’s office. May I offer some of these lights for your new office so it can shed light on some old cases?
We also have a forex counter where you can exchange your soul for Russian roubles or Ukrainian jokes. Now that Russia has been SWIFTLY knocked out of western financial systems we are using the blockchain to circumvent this by using a blockchain wherein you can go straight to hell if you download an NFT of Putin. But you can hedge your bets by also downloading an NFT of Donald Trump.
Now let me tell you more about our derivatives segment. We offer actual Japanese Candle sticks which investors can light up and send their souls to heaven in demat form. You can also purchase all sorts of collars and straddles as long as long as you do not tell us for what purpose you end up using them. Or why you insist on physical deliveries.
We have obtained spiritual blessings from the great Benjamin Graham by summoning him from our Ouja board. He briefly appeared and said “Inflation is a B*&$^$%&*” then threw darts at the NFT of the federal reserve. But we caught one of the darts and hope we can sell its NFT to Warren Buffet.
For those who wish to suffer for their sins, we have a special segment of stocks that are exclusively in lower circuit 5 days of the week. It feels a lot like your career after a liberal arts degree. Or your mental health as a 24 * 7 business news anchor. But you can always hide your emotions behind a ticker tape and hope your life isn’t slipping away one basis point at a time.
We have also roped in the former poet and first CEO of the National Spiritual Exchange, Mr Kavi Narain as chief surveillance officer. He will now narrate a couple of regulatory poems to impress you.
“My name is Kavi, and I like Ravi
Money and I got lovey dovey,
In high spirits, I became a little
Too spirited and spirited
Away more than I should have
But I hope you’ll look the other way
For some day you will be co-located
To where I am
And then you’ll also see my way”
Thank you Mr Kavi Narain!
You will be pleased to know he just obtained his DIN number from the Comedy Bureau of India.
But we welcome you to the new domain of spiritual regulation. And hope you will give our new stock exchange a fighting chance. Especially if someday an investor is fighting for a 45% stake in us. We hope to capture that event on live CAMS.
You can also invest in this space for the regulatory cleanliness of your soul. We are happy to offer you a trial. Kindly send a test mail to us on financeministry@outlook.com
Regards,
Chief Spiritual Officer
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