Weekend Wild Card: A spectre is haunting Kerala, the spectre of Zumba

Why this preference for Zumba over other fitness programmes? Party intellectuals say it’s exercise for the masses, not for elite gym-goers. They point out that Zumba is actually a mass movement—rhythmic, synchronized, and collective. As one of them proclaimed, ‘A Zumba a day keeps the bourgeoisie away.’ He added, “As the great revolutionary Karl Marx said, ‘Dancers of the World, Unite! You have nothing to lose but your two left feet.’”

There is, of course, an electoral angle to the Zumba promotion. The party is hoping that the sight of party bosses doing Salsa steps will mesmerise voters. Political analysts aver that every hip shake adds 10 votes, and a well-executed twirl secures an entire panchayat. Election manifestos now include promises of Zumba studios in every ward.

Impartial Zumba trainers who have observed the workouts, though, say they have noticed a deplorable tendency for the dancers to sway only to the left.

Others opined that this preference for Zumba reeks of partiality. ‘’After all,’’ said an apolitical observer, ‘’didn’t Mao Ze Dong say, ‘Let a hundred dance moves bloom, let a thousand rhythms contend’? We should also go in for yoga and Tai Chi’’. He added that Zumba was a Western imperialist import, clearly a CIA plot to destabilize Indian values. He suspected Zumba’s catchy rhythms are aimed at luring innocent schoolchildren into a life of licentious leotards and moral ruin. He hinted darkly that mixed-gender dancing could even lead to immoral calorie burning.
A ruling party worker, however, said yoga was too individualistic, while Tai Chi was a Chinese Trojan Horse. He alleged that opposition parties have formed a secret alliance with traditional dance teachers, gym owners, and cardiologists who fear reduced heart disease to undermine the Zumba revolution. He claimed Anti-Zumba rebels were secretly meeting to practice “morally pure” exercises like synchronized yoga. He wanted Zumba enshrined in the Constitution as a fundamental right.

The Kerala initiative has received both bouquets and brickbats. Xi Jinping reportedly said that ‘Zumba with Chinese characteristics will lead us to the great rejuvenation of the Chinese nation.’ Putin said he has been doing shirtless Zumba for years. Trump said, ‘I do the best Zumba—tremendous moves, very patriotic. No socialism, just great hips.’ Mamata Banerjee has allegedly talked of a ‘Jumba jumla’. There are rumours in Delhi of Atmanirbhar Zumba and a Dance in India scheme.

The real problem for the Kerala government, however, is not the opposition but the fratricidal quarrels within the party. A breakaway faction, for instance, has demanded that the traditional Kerala ‘mundu’ should be worn during the Zumba sessions—it calls itself the Communist Party of India (Mundu). Other factions include a Zumba (Leninist) Wing and a Zumba (Trotskyist) Wing. There’s also a CPI(M) (Pro-Salsa Anti-Samba) bloc, while another group wants the dances to be performed to Communist songs like ‘The East is Red’.

Perhaps these factions should heed the advice of their guru, Karl Marx. He said: "The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to dance with it."