With 2024 coming to an end and everyone sharing highlights of their year, we try a different kind of ‘stock-taking’ (pun very much intended).
We imagine how conversations between various newmaking stocks and God (himself or herself) would sound. What would stocks tell God and how would God judge them? Will there be judgement, understanding, or appreciation?
Here’s how we think the scene in heaven would unfold.
1. Paytm: The Drama Queen
Paytm bursts through the pearly gates, dragging a rollercoaster behind it.
Paytm: God! Look at me! Up, down, up again—am I your test subject or what?
God: So, you survived the RBI smackdown and climbed 220 percent. What’s the lesson here?
Paytm: That I’m resilient!
God: No, that you’re exhausting. Here’s a free ticket to a carousel. Keep going in circles now.
2. HDFC Bank: The Merger Magnet
HDFC stumbles in, carrying two suitcases labelled “HDFC Ltd” and “Challenges”.
God: Still lugging that merger around?
HDFC Bank: It’s lighter now! Credit-to-deposit ratio is also down to 100 percent from a peak of 108 percent.
God: And yet, you’re still huffing and puffing. Here’s a treadmill. Run until you catch your breath—and the market’s faith.
3. Zomato: The Waiter-Turned-Grocer
Zomato walks in wearing a chef’s hat and juggling Blinkit boxes.
Zomato: Guess who’s in the Sensex 30? Quadrupled revenue, Blinkit nearing breakeven, and I bought Paytm Insider. Call me the master chef of innovation.
God: Master chef? Your ads annoyed half of humanity.
Zomato: Bold seasoning isn’t for everyone.
God: Fine, here’s your prize: an eternal gong that you’ll need to outshout.
4. IndusInd Bank: The Gambler
IndusInd crawls in, clutching loan papers.
God: Stock down 40 percent YTD. Microfinance slippages galore. Selling Rs 1,573 crore in microfinance loans?
IndusInd Bank: I’m fixing it, I swear!
God: Quicksand. Let’s see if anyone throws you a rope.
5. Tata Motors: Rearview Ruminator
Tata Motors screeches to a halt, sputtering smoke, as it dramatically adjusts its rearview mirror.
God: JLR margins under pressure for two straight quarters, sales down, sharpest fall among your peers… and you’re still fixing your hair?
Tata Motors: (shrugging) We’ve survived worse, Lord. I’m just… looking back for inspiration.
God: (snaps fingers) Replace their windshield with a rearview mirror. Let’s see how far they get driving backwards.
6. Asian Paints: The Drenched Artist
Asian Paints drips in, covered in faded colours.
God: Rs 1.07 lakh crore wiped out, and you’re blaming your size. What happened to bold strokes?
Asian Paints: New players are splashing cash. It’s overwhelming!
God: Here’s your punishment: A never-ending game of paint-by-numbers… with a brush too big for the tiny spaces.
7. Hyundai Motor India: The IPO Diva
Hyundai swaggers in with its IPO prospectus, shimmering like a Bollywood debutante.
God: A Rs 27,870 crore IPO? Bigger than LIC’s listing? Even I wouldn’t dare ask for that much.
Hyundai: But I’ve done it with just one avatar. You’ve been milking multiple avatars for centuries.
God: (chuckling) Alright, we’ll call it even. Just don’t let it go to your head.
8. Swiggy: Arriving…
Swiggy strolls in with a bag labelled “Future Profits—Coming Soon.”
God: 33 percent up since November. Impressive. But where’s the real meal—your profits?
Swiggy: Still in the kitchen, God.
God: Here’s a microwave. Speed things up, or you’re on delivery duty in purgatory.
9. Raymond: The Super Tailor
Raymond enters in a sharp suit, tipping its hat.
God: 30 percent up, demerger success, and a real estate spin-off in 2025? Polished work.
Raymond: Thank you, God. Tailoring success is our forte.
God: Here’s a gold-threaded halo. Stay sharp, Raymond.
10. Honasa: The Paring Knife
God: Mama Mia!
Mamaearth (Honasa Consumer): Yes... I've been heartbroken. My stock plummeted over 40 percent in 2024, my cash flow turned negative within six months of FY25 and revenue fell by 8 percent in the second quarter this fiscal. (then hastens to add) But it was bad for all in the consumer sector.
God: You fared worse than most though. Why?
Mamaearth: We tried to cut out a few middlemen and go D2C.
God: Oh, that's a hard game to crack. Even I've failed, and I've been around a while longer.
11. Trent: The Maverick of Mass Play
Trent walks in, seemingly searching for someone in the room.
God: Oh no point looking for Ratan. He's out playing with the dogs. So... stellar run this year for you. Stock price doubled, strong financials, aggressive growth strategy and you made it to Nifty 50! But you have become too expensive now, I hear.
Trent: That’s not our business. That’s what the market decides.
God: To justify your valuation, open a store in heaven.
12. MFI Players: Generous to a Fault
God: (as microfinance lenders walk in) So what are you guys doing, given loans to all, sundry and their pet caterpillar?
(Showing headline that screams 'Small finance banks, NBFCs see 40-70 percent decline!')
Fusion Microfinance, whose GNPA surged to 9.4 percent in September 2024 from 3 percent the previous quarter, tries to hide behind peers Arman Financial Services, CreditAccess Grameen, Ujjivan Small Finance Bank, and Equitas Small Finance Bank.
God: You’ve been so generous, even the devil’s getting his due. How about I send you downstairs to collect the repayments personally? Let’s see how persuasive you are with pitchforks in the mix!
Closing Scene
God shakes his head, muttering, “Earth’s stocks… always full of drama.” The angels bring chai refills as the next batch of stocks waits nervously outside. Heaven might be eternal, but these audits… they’re timeless chaos.
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