Mistakes are a part of growing up — and let’s face it, adults make mistakes all the time. Whether it’s a spilled drink, a forgotten assignment, or a less-than-kind word to a friend, kids are bound to mess up from time to time. But here’s the thing: how we respond to these moments can make all the difference.
When kids make mistakes, they can feel guilt or fear of being scolded. They might feel like they’ve let you down or, worse, think that their mistake defines them.
That’s where your role as a supportive parent comes in. What you say in these moments isn’t just about addressing the issue at hand—it’s about teaching them how to learn, grow, and move forward.
Here’s a guide to things kids want to hear when they mess up and why it matters.
- “It’s okay to make mistakes”
Mistakes happen. By grownups, by children, by everyone. Punishing kids for making mistakes to teach them a lesson doesn’t achieve much than the fear of telling you next time that they made a mistake.
Kids want to hear that mistakes are a normal part of life. This helps them feel less ashamed and more open to learning from their mistakes.
A study published in Child Development Perspectives emphasises that normalising mistakes helps children reduce their fear of failure and adopt a mindset where they are more willing to learn from their mistakes and not repeat the same ones. This can lead them to improved problem-solving and learning outcomes. It reduces their fear of failure and promotes a growth mindset.
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- “I’m here to help you fix this”
Showing support to your child when they make a mistake shows to them that you are there for them, not judging, but as a team. It encourages them to take accountability for their mistake while not feeling isolated.
Research in the Journal of Family Psychology says parents who are more involved tend to help their children navigate challenges and repair mistakes. Standing with your child when they make mistakes helps them build trust and teaches them problem-solving skills.
- “What do you think you can do differently next time?”
Instead of focusing on what went wrong, let your child come up with a solution. This encourages them to reflect on what they have done, rather than feel overwhelmed by your reaction to their mistake. It also encourages them to develop decision-making skills, as noted by the American Psychological Association, and shifts the conversation toward improvement and learning. It empowers them to analyse their actions and find solutions.
- “I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone”
Acknowledging that their intent separates them from this particular action reinforces their self-worth while addressing the behaviour. When say hurtful things to kids, or label them as “bad”, they start believing it and often use it as a justification for bad behaviour. Instead, letting them know you believe that it was not their intention to hurt anyone makes them feel less defensiveness and fosters open communication, according to Positive Discipline in Everyday Parenting.
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- “Thank you for telling the truth”
If the child admits their mistake, that itself is a big step for them. Use it as an opportunity to teach them that they will be valued if they own up to mistakes. The Harvard Graduate School of Education highlights that children are more likely to admit mistakes in environments where honesty is rewarded rather than punished.
Praising their honesty helps build integrity and encourages open communication.
- “How can I support you right now?”
This question lets them express their needs, whether they need help, a listening ear, or time to process. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University emphasises that providing emotional support during stressful moments strengthens resilience. It validates their emotions to know that you are there to help, and by asking what they can do encourages them to seek solutions independently. Try asking, “Do you need help fixing this, or do you need a moment to think?”
- “Everyone makes mistakes, even adults”
Hearing this normalises failure and reminds them they are not alone in making errors. Research from Stanford University shows that children are more likely to embrace challenges when they see adults learning from their mistakes. It makes them feel they are not alone, or bad, thus reducing the pressure to always do good, and helps them understand mistakes are part of learning.
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“This doesn’t change how much I care about you”
When kids fear they have done something wrong, they also feel they will not be loved anymore. Make sure you don’t tie your expectations to your love for them. Saying “I still love you, no matter what” promotes emotional security and trust in children and helps them feel secure in your love and acceptance.
When your kid messes up, the way you respond to their mistake can shape their self-esteem and emotional development. Instead of focusing on punishing them for the error, aim to understand and support them. Remember, the goal isn’t perfection but progress.
Disclaimer: This article, including health and fitness advice, only provides generic information. Don’t treat it as a substitute for qualified medical opinion. Always consult a specialist for specific health diagnosis.
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