Funnycontrol | Campus placements: The IPL of college

As yet another IPL auction looms around the horizon, I am reminded of the way I was auctioned in B-school.  I am referring, of course, to the summer and final placement process. Because, apparently, final placements only take place in winter. The student placement auction is so much like a beauty pageant, I am only amazed we don’t have a swimsuit round as well. And the lies we tell the recruiters when asked “why do you want to join the company” is no different from saying “Mother Teresa, World Peace”. I saw a B-school feature in the news recently with figures of the mean, median, mode and mediocre salaries. All B-schools advertise their placement and salary figures while rejecting you if you answer in the MBA interview “I’m here mainly for the placements”. This self-contradiction is one of the best preparations for corporate life ahead.

The placement statistics tell you the percentage of students hired across different verticals like BFSI, Consulting, Marketing, FMCG, etc. Accordingly you can make a pie chart of the likely physical and mental ailments they will suffer. Those hired for sales roles should also invest in liquor companies and hedge their bets by also investing in the liver treatment segment. No B-school placement process is complete without its lingo and short forms. So, Colgate Palmolive will become ColPal. Pronounced as “Coal Pal”, not to be mistaken for Adani. And the super biggies of consulting will be crunched into “MBB”. Which I presume translates to “Main Bhi Bachelor”.

The process itself involves students wearing formal suits while asking if there is work from home in the interview so they can continue to live in the hostel. A key word you will keep hearing over and over is “shortlist” as you skip through more arbitrary filters than a matrimonial website. And, at each level, you must respond to every question with the same prepared answer like you’re the White House Press secretary. Then, of course, there are the Group Discussions. The most important ones happen in the washrooms, mainly on which CV is to be pushed and which one is to be pulled, like a B-school version of Schindler’s list. It should be noted that in some B-schools the placement committee is indeed called the CRAP team with no irony whatsoever.

Meanwhile, on the recruiters side, HR is instructed that the gap between the candidates’ lies on their CV and their own lies in the pre-placement talk should not exceed the gap between CTC and Take Home. It is believed some B-schools even tried to bring SpaceX to campus this year. But on discovering that the job posting would be on Mars, many grown adult men and women declined saying “parents wouldn’t allow”.