Dear Mr Sunak,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on becoming the first Indian to place diyas outside 10 Downing Street. A much better option than carrying the candle outside Buckingham Palace as Prince AAAH! I mean King Charles has been doing for so many years. Also in the spirit of the festive season, I think if you dress up as Liz Truss this Halloween it would be hilarious. Perhaps Kwasi Kwarteng will dress up as you.
I heard you’re also bringing back Suella Braverman who complained about too many Indians overstaying their UK visit. But sir, surely as an Indian you can understand. We can't just refuse Binny's invitation to go over after we've spent weeks at Goldie's place marvelling at her son's third BMW. Besides, overstaying rent free in each other’s heads and lives without a visa is as Indian as Akshay Kumar’s passport.
But I am really glad to see an Indian man replace a white person in the UK HQ especially since a white person just replaced two Indians in the Twitter HQ. I hear Donald Trump may also be back on Twitter and I hope to see you exchange pleasantries. My biggest disappointment is missing out on a meeting between Liz Truss and Donald Trump as heads of State. I wish you guys would plan and co-ordinate this better.
I understand you will also not be moving into the PM’s residence but going back to the same old flat you had when you were chancellor. I’m sure this move is really appreciated by the British public that you chose to remain rooted in your humble origins. Perhaps some of the population might even splurge on lunch to celebrate your ascent - a great show of respect, given that one out of five low-income UK families skip a meal a day due to the rising cost of living. But they are hoping you will deliver them more dividends than your wife receives from Infosys.
People say you bring the vigour and energy of Britain’s youngest PM in 200 years. So those young legs should be able to run on the treadmill to power up Britain’s power plants if the energy crisis really gets out of hand. I am told you are twice as rich as King Charles so perhaps the monarch might ask you to consider filling the royal coffers with rupees if the pound keeps plunging.
Your fabulous wealth, of course, keeps you well-attuned to the challenges of the ordinary citizen struggling to pay electricity bills. Perhaps you can tell them, “Oh, this is nothing. In India, we promise free power to get into power and then ask for Lakshmi to be put on the currency. This ensures the Goddess will repay the amount to the utility company. We will put the late Queen of England on the notes and change the expression to, Queen save the God!”
I understand the BBC accidentally allowed a few colourful words to be displayed on a word cloud about you on national TV. But I suppose as a coloured man you’ve been used to coloured words your whole life. I do hope you only find those colours in your rangoli henceforth, and so does any other coloured person in the UK.
I am with you on your vision of every child in UK being able to light a diya outside their home. But we are a little short-staffed at the Funnycontrol content team here. So may I request that to celebrate your coronation, since you folks won’t return us the Kohinoor diamond, you outsource us Boris Johnson and Liz Truss instead?
Jai Hind!
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