Funnycontrol | The markets will rise unless they fall, says Ganesha

How to read the stars and planetary movements, and become the king of predictions. (Image via Unsplash)

My late father always had a business news channel and an astrology channel playing in parallel. Which meant one could often hear things like :

“The market has fallen today because the housing finance company’s own…

…… house is now in Venus”

Sometimes we had a popular general news channel and the astrology channel playing at the same time. Which meant one would also hear lines like:

“The US Supreme Court has just passed a judgment diluting gun control. One hopes this doesn’t result in………….a fault in your stars”

My dear funnycontrollers, as the world goes through turmoil from war, inflation, 'monkeypox' and the latest yoga pose, why not look at the fault in our own stars as opposed to trolling cricketers and film stars on Twitter.

If you are a senior citizen of India, and it comes quite naturally to you to tell people what's wrong with their lives and how they can improve it, why not consider a post-retirement career in astrology?

Here are your options:

GenZology: Now, the young are wild and free. They are also confused and foolish. So you can make a real killing selling them on “Astrological Chicken Soup for the GenZ Soul”.  Before you make any prediction, however, you must mention: “Trigger warning: Astrology”. After that upload your astrological prediction on Instagram, and the GenZ soul is easily triggered, terrified, angered, hungered, bored and saddened. All because Instagram was down for 5 minutes.

Tell them you can predict how many matches one gets on Bumble, how many likes one will get on the insta post and how many followers on Tiktok. Since most predictions will miss the mark and they might demand a refund, tell them “The word ‘refund’ triggers my anxiety. Please respect my safe space and contribute for my mental health fund.”

Numerology: Astrology is basically a numbers game. The more numbers you can make up, the better your astrological prediction.  If you worked in finance, this should come easily to you. Tell them: “Your name is Abhilasha. That adds up to 729.” When Abhilasha asks “How??”… tell her “Your age is 27. And the square of 27 is 729”, and then distract her with a square, calling it her “geometrical spirit animal! Available on our website for Rs 728.99 only!”

Astro pollogy: When politics is in the air, can predictions be far behind? Make a killing with political parties, telling them your election predictions are as good as their economic predictions. This should give them a lot of confidence in your offerings. Predict the number of seats they will win as well. Since the opposition would have hired their own astrologer the final outcome will eventually be somewhere in the middle. Collaborate with your opponent and take joint credit for the “successful prediction of a hung assembly”. But do not hang around for too long after that.

Dubaiology: Now this is where you truly become the king of predictions, predicting the outcome of everything from football matches to IPL catches. Because now you don’t just predict the outcomes. You make them happen. Or else many different outcomes might happen. And nobody wants to predict that.

Also read: What an astrologer told Harsh Goenka and how the prediction came true