Funnycontrol | Return of gold smuggling, most common profession of 1970s & '80s Bollywood villains

Gold smuggling was supposed to be a pre-liberalization relic like MTNL. But just as our movies and content have become a re-hash of the ’70s and ’80s, our economy seems to be doing the same. (Photo by Ron Lach via Pexels)

Remember the Hindi movie scene where Pran escapes from his villainous boss’s lair in a car as the panicked gangster screams at his men: “Uss gaadi mein sona hai! Gold hai! Usko pakdo”? (“That car had gold! Catch him!”) Apparently, Pran escapes with enough smuggled gold to go from pauper to millionaire while his boss goes the opposite route, quite like some startup founders and their IPO investors. Of course, gold-plating their financials is nothing new for funded startups. As long as people are willing to buy juice.

Gold smuggling as a profession used to be the staple of Bollywood villains before liberalization. Post that we moved on to Arjun Rampal as Ra One so perhaps the golden age of Bollywood villains is over.

As import duties on gold have increased, so has the fever of gold smuggling which is up almost 100 percent from pre-Covid levels along with revenge weddings. Many Indian weddings might be taking place for the sole purpose of converting smuggled gold into white with the bride and groom just being optional extras.

Gold smuggling was supposed to be a pre-liberalization relic like MTNL. But just as our movies and content have become a re-hash of the ’70s and ’80s, our economy seems to be doing the same.

Sources say that a Sudanese syndicate is the most active player in this field. One hopes we don’t end up importing the conflict as well. The authorities are cracking down hard on the syndicate but they have their own devious ways (like how finance holds back your GST payment, just for thrills).

The smuggling syndicates turn gold dust into a paste by mixing it with castor oil, which is not detected by metal detectors or even the most diehard Bappi Lahiri fan.

But the authorities are procuring millimeter wave scanners to detect on-body concealment, ensuring that not even an mm of gold is smuggled. The Marwari in me particularly enjoyed reading this. I wish I could do the same with my interns.

In India, of course, gold is more of an emotion rather than an asset class just like Bitcoin. Our parents accumulate gold, tell us to accumulate gold and invest in any chit fund simply because it has the word “gold” in it.

We smuggle gold into the country while trying to smuggle ourselves out of it. It is believed many Central Banks are accumulating gold and it may be a precursor to de-dollarization. However, I am terrified to call the death of the US dollar lest the US decide I need to be invaded to protect my freedom from myself.

Smuggling in general is an Indian institution. Gold smuggling is a crime, no doubt. But we look down on these criminals while smuggling food from home into theatres. Or smuggling items from the 5 star hotel breakfast buffet to avoid paying for room service. Or smuggling bubble bath from the 5 star hotel room bathroom even if we don't have a bathtub at home

Perhaps Indians smuggle gold because import duties and taxes are also an emotion for us. We feel the same pain on paying taxes as we do when India loses a cricket match. Gold smugglers combine our love for both gold and tax avoidance. Perhaps in some ways gold smugglers are the true patriots of this country.

I hope you at least found some comedy gold in this article. So don’t smuggle it away without likes, shares and comments.

Also read: India to import 140 tonnes of gold from UAE at lower duty