Jockey plans to open more retail outlets in India and we introduce a brand new segment on the show today- NEWSLOOSUS! All this and more with Vir Das on News On The Loose today.

What the hell is high society anyway? To me anything or anybody that is high is clearly under the influence of an artificial stimulant that severely alters their brain waves and powers of interaction, rendering their behavior just about as unnatural as the tip of Michael Jackson’s nose.

But that is very much the case with our high society, it is high. In order to get high you usually need two ingredients, a drug and a paper to smoke it in. Our drug of choice is gossip and our Rizla comes in the form of every major newspaper in

So you just passed the board exams huh? Wow! Congratulations, you have just made it through the world’s toughest test of memorization and subsequent regurgitation. I mean there is a whole world open to you now. You could become a doctor, engineer, actor, scientist, comedian (wouldn’t advise it)….I mean you’re young, intelligent and loaded with energy. Hey, let me ask you something….Have you ever thought about politics? You know, as a career? You can make a killing (not literally). Hey!! Hang on!! Where are you going???

My generation does not like politics. It is something that we are forced to deal with in the papers and on the news, but as a majority, we don’t really have an interest in it. We have shown more collective interest in what Michael did with children than what Manmohan does for children. Jennifer Lopez is understandably more captivating that Jai Lalitha.

We are confused by politics. To most of us, politics is the equivalent of Karate lessons. It’s supposed to help you out, and all parents try to get you into it when you’re a kid, but eventually you lose interest. Plus they both have something to do with beating people up.

I decided to conduct an experiment. I asked twenty young people why they were not interested in politics. The answers were hilariously stereotypical.

So let’s start with the basics shall we? The dictionary defines politics in two ways:

1. The activities associated with the governance of a country.

This is the actual definition of politics which is why it is so uninteresting to my generation. We don’t have time to think about the ‘behind the scenes’ activities. If is functioning, why question it? We look at politics much like we look at a toaster. We don’t give a damn about ‘the activities associated with the functioning of a toaster’. Just as long as it produces golden brown toast, were okay.

2. Activities aimed at improving one’s status within an organization.

Congratulations ladies and gentlemen, it seems that we are all politicians in our own way. This only means that when we are talking, complimenting, lying, gossiping, working, tattling and negotiating for that improvement in work, relationships, salaries, annual vacations, mid size cars, flat screen TVs and frequent flyer miles…….we all have political potential.

Let’s get to the excuses: 

Politicians are corrupt: No! Really? I am sick and tired of people escaping by referring to politicians as a select group of corrupt, elitist, manipulative old men. In the spirit of pointing out the obvious, let me also point out that our politicians did not parachute down to earth in the middle of the night wearing tiny helmets with antennas (would have made a great movie though). They come from Indian homes and Indian families. And let’s not forget that they get voted in. The only people to blame for corrupt politicians are the voters themselves (If you’re guy didn’t win, you’re excused). Quit saying that the politicians are corrupt. They are not corrupt, society is corrupt. They were just smart enough to figure it out first.

All the politicians are old. Their ideologies are outdated: Wrong. Politicians are not old; they are just the only ones who are interested. If young people were actually interested in politics, the average age would drop. Mainly because the old people would die of cardiac arrest upon learning that we finally woke up. These allegedly ‘old’ politicians are deliberating over cutting edge technology that they don’t understand, modern education that they won’t receive, and plans that they will not be around to see implemented. Why? Because they care. Call me an optimist, but that’s what I believe. 

Technically, an 80 year old minister should not give a damn whether future Indo-Japanese relations will allow your kids to freely purchase the latest environment friendly electric car with included Bose surround sound, GPRS and airbags. To him, Bose is a Bengali man he meets for his morning walk, GPRS sounds like a scary medical procedure and he meets a lot of airbags in the office everyday. The future of our nation has become like the re-release of Mughle-Azaam in color. Old people showed up round the block, and a couple of younglings were dragged along kicking and screaming.

You have to be from a political family: I have news for you. You are from a political family. It’s called

. I know it’s a large family; you have a billion brothers and sisters which means that you’re bound to have some sibling issues. However, look on the bright side, your parents clearly got along well.

Politics has become all about religion: Now this one I agree with. Sometimes I feel like if god actually saw the amount of slick political maneuvering that being done to invoke his name, then he/she himself would have become an atheist. But isn’t that an elitist stand point as well?

Politics is not about religion, politics is about finding a way to reach the people and gather support. It just so happens that in our country, that way is religious. Politicians will use what they can get. It is a novel idea to preach the separation of politics and religion when you are an upper middle class, well educated, morally flexible individual. The remaining 90% of the country only has two priorities, survival and religion. To them, a politician ensures their survival, and their religion gives them the hope to survive. So let’s accept this one at face value, until mass education prevails, they will always be intermingled.

Politics is boring: Now this one I disagree with. I think Politics has all of the entertainment value of a good Saas-Bahu serial. Granted that some of the politicians could use a few make-up/fashion tips and background dramatic music could surely spice up the Lok Sabha fights, but the content is still great. Marriages are formed, broken, secret alliances go on, people die, come back to life, lies are told, truths are revealed and leaders get makeovers. The only difference is that it happens in the board room instead of the bedroom (Except in the case of Clinton whom had a knack of combining the two).

Why do you think so many actors enter politics? It’s an easy transition. Give it a chance. Watching politics is like watching formula one racing. It’s an acquired taste, but its fun to see people go round and round in circles.

Politics is kind of like the guy who frisks you at the airport. You usually would not lend an ear to anything he has to say. But when he has got his hands firmly gripping the seat of your pants, you are one attentive and interested listener. We have developed this selfish attitude to politics where we usually ignore it, and are suddenly up in arms when it affects us directly. We don’t care who the chief minister is until he starts closing the clubs at midnight

. We don’t care who is on the education board until cut offs for college are announced. We don’t care about Indian foreign policy until we get rejected for our VISA to

. It is ironic that in a country where the young and educated are rumored to be it’s future, the rural and uneducated have a greater interest in politics for survival.

Let me wrap up by saying that this is not one of those clichéd ‘You are the future!’ articles. This is also not a ‘become a politician’ piece. Having chosen comedy for a profession, it is clear that career counseling is not my forte. All I am saying is; take an interest. That’s all it takes. You’re missing out on some great stuff here. Lopez is just a singer, but Laloo is the real rock star.   

II. Business Terms Explained

Pinocchio could never have done his MBA.

If he did, he’d be walking around with a Red Wood Tree for a nose. But, if he had done his MBA he probably would have opened a global chain of French furniture (Pinocchio was French).

Moral of the story: I am not saying that MBA’s lie, but they’re second in line after lawyers and plastic surgeons in the lying field. They lie about everything: the markets, their CV’s, their contacts and especially their knowledge.

I haven’t done an MBA. But, I am a great liar. Ask my wife, Isha Kopikkar.

Thus, I embark on this treatise, an explanation of business terms made easy. From the POV of a financial virgin.

Please note: If you were to compare the knowledge of the writer of this piece with the love Mamata Banerjee has for fences. The knowledge bit would lose by about three football fields (If you’re using football fields as a means of measurement)

1. Sub Prime:
When you think Sub Prime, think of a steak…
A normal lending institution is like a suburban food court, it’s reasonably priced, and you’re assured an edible steak, which may give you gastric problems.
Subprime lending is like an overpriced udipi restaurant run by a former morgue owner. Their steak will be more expensive, of dubious taste, it will ensure gastric trouble and assuredly there will be human death involved; either in the steak or outside.

Coming up…
PE Ratio. Exchange Rate. Floating Fixed Exchange Rate. Investment Banking. Private Equity Analyst. Analyst. Venture capital. IPO (Initial Public Offering). BPO (Business Process Outsourcing), Foreign Investments EXPLAINED!!

The Financial Virgin Speaketh…

To start with, let me sum up my financial training with the aid of a simple equation.

D + S - √ß ÷ K = 0.

Thank you. If anyone knows what this equation means, please do email me.

It may not make much sense but this equation helps shut up financial nerds from going on talking about the sub prime markets tanking due to a shut down of basic copyright issues in the elimination of balance sheet related prowess matrix projections causing a reduction in the number of floors in Mukesh Ambani’s new mansion, or some such.

To give you an idea of just how inadequate my knowledge of the financial world is let me share a list of choice analogies.

1. Hippopotami have more knowledge of Dr. Atkins diet, than I do of the financial market.

That’s it. I will post some more when I get the time, or the intelligence.

(For those who didn’t get the analogy. Hippopotami = plural of hippopotamus. Hippopotamus = obese vegetarian creatures that regularly compromise on the security of wooden boats floating in African waters. Dr. Atkins’ Diet = Weight Loss Diet mainly consisting of meat, not on PETA’s wish list. Basically, hippopotami are fat asses.)

However, since, reporting and writing for News On The Loose, my knowledge of the workings of the financial world has shot up.

Here are three business lessons I’ve learnt through this endeavor:

Lesson 1: Business Leaders don’t take kindly to wise ass comedians making fun of their appalling taste in spectacles on national TV.
Lesson 2: Kishore Biyani has really stylish spectacles, that are the envy of all the spectacle wearers in Milan.
Lesson 3: Mr. Biyani, now can you please refrain your bodyguards from breaking the rest of my weak bones?

As you can see my business knowledge is now crossed the commendable scale. Or as my business friends (P.S. Mr. Senthil Sir will you be my friend) would say, “Pant’s stock has risen.”

This does not take away from the fact that I still remain a Financial Virgin (Two words that have not been seen together since the dawn of Human Resource Management & Corporate Governance)

Thus, starting today you can avail of my insightful knowledge of the business world. From now, until the day the guys at moneycontrol realize that I am more full of bull than the Sensex post Union Budget ’07.

Moneycontrol.com takes no responsibility for the future words (and appalling wardrobe choices) of Sorabh Pant. In fact neither does Sorabh Pant. Patrons are requested to terminate all contact with their business acumen (or get really plastered) while reading these so called blogs.